I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
