I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
