Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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