I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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