Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
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i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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