need another drink. this is the easiest way
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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