i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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