I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
