someone owes me an orgasm
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is Oprah even human
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
