we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
