dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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