Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I need to sanitize my soul.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
