and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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