you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
