was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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