I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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