just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
too bad you live with your parents still
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
