my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
