You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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