dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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