Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
