You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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