my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
