if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
