I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
