Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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