Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
