Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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