im so drunk with asians
where?
always
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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