Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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