I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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