I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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