I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
