You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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