Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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