Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just threw up on my dentist
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
