So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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