I wish I could punch you in the face.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
