i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
