I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
