first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Soap is not a condiment
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
