Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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