I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
