If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
