i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
