Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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