How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
