I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
