You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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