I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
