Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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