No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
