he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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