I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
