So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
