I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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