Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
