i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
